April 25, 1978

This morning I lay in bed, shell-shocked from sleep every twenty minutes by the thought I will be late for work at the executive dining room. Ann woke and dressed for her day at EST and lent me money to pay rent on my SRO room. A guilt-ridden gift I accepted with gratitude. Why can't I make money?

She left the room and I looked at the clock.

I fell back asleep for another hour and then headed downtown to Wall Street, where I had a starchy breakfast with Faro overlooking the harbor from the 37th floor.

"Flacco, eat more. You thin like chicken."

"I hate this food."

"It's free and it's what the ricos eat and they are all gordo."

"Fat?"

"You not so stupido. Time to work."

We served the corporate execs canned fruit cocktails, fatty meat, and desserts. They are so devoid of humanity and look like they are living in the wrong body, even the young preppy go-getters, but none of them are really young.

In this dining room 35 is young.

I'm only 26, but these fatso are successful.

Not me.

I met Ann for a late lunch. I held her hand. I told her I was scared. She kissed me and said, "Don't worry."

Several seconds later a bum came up to us holding a bottle of Thunderbird Wine in his hand and said, "You young people look good together. Don't leave each other. I did and look what happened to me."

Ann and I looked at each other. Our glances accused the other of wanting to end it. The future is uncertain other than Ann's graduation from college.

The wino pointed at Ann and slurred, "You know this man of yours is in trouble. Stand by him. Don't let him sink, even if he deserves to fall. You could be with a million people, but for right now this man is the one you should be with."

"I should hired you as my PR man."

"Shut up, I ain't talking to you."

"I was sitting drinking my 'bird and saw you kiss. I don't mean to be personal, but you two look good together. Probably too good to stay together, but for now stand by your man and you stand by your woman..

He walked away without asking for money or food or wine. Sitting on a bench to drink away the memories of who he was forever.

I let go Ann's hand.

Funny how people lose the people they love and for what?

I can't define love, but I can say what being with Ann is.

She will do everything I will do, a good companion for someone so alone in a city of millions.

LATER

Light blocks out the dance of shadows But I still see globs of swirling rays Angels Forever a companion to darkness

LATER

Marc Stevens invited me to a disco function. I said yes not having been to a good disco since I became a punk.

"I have no money."

"And you think I do. We get in because we are who we are."

"I know who you are, but who am I?"

"Peter the Thief of Hearts. You'll find out soon enough."

We dropped LSD and at the disco everyone became a hallucination of zombies. Marc asked, "Are you getting off?"

"I'm having trouble staying down."

He was naked and shimmering in silver flakes.

His long penis hung down his thigh.

"You want to touch it?"

"I don't like snakes." I saw fangs and Marc laughed like the devil in the Garden of Eden.

I ran out of the disco into the night.

It was raining and walked back to my SRO room.

Alone.

Alone in my room.

Alone in my bed.

I came to New York knowing three people.

Ro.

She left for Paris hours before my arrival from Boston in a stolen car.

James Spicer.

He stole my unemployment checks.

Michael.

No one had seen the hustler since he left for Miami.

After fifteen months in New York I have no penthouse, no servants, no limo. No coke. No credit card.

I am living in a big closet.

But I do have Ann.

LATER

Ann was in a crazy play at St. Marks-On-The Bowery with Jackie 'Drag' Curtis, and Amos Poe. Ann played a Jayne Mansfield reincarnation. She wasn't confident on stage speaking, since the play was driven by absurd transvestite humor and Tom Scully the writer was really really straight. He wrote himself into the play as a murdered poet raped by Ann.

I wondered if he got an erection.

The after-party featured a live band staring at a woman wearing a moth-eaten dress.

Before leaving I went to the bathroom.

Sabrina passed me and I pinched her ass. She followed me upstairs close. I felt the heat from her thighs.

I pushed her away and went home alone.

More than ever.