Last night I got drunk at Ann's cast party.
She'll be leaving New York for Ohio to graduate from her college.
In the taxi to my SRO hotel, she asked, "Where will I go? New York is more a home to be than Charleston and I don't want to leave you."
"Me neither," I answer, although it's probably better if she leaves me. I'm no good for no one.
Her hours at the theater ate up our time together during the rehearsal's for the Molierie play. She has ambition. I have none. Maybe it's not a good connection. Maybe it's the best. After all opposites attract, but she asked about if I would wait for her.
"Who's my competition? Marc?" She meant Marc 10 and a half inch Stevens.
"Forget that. I can't get a hard-on for another man."
"I thought they sucked cock good."
"That a myth, besides I don't really like blow-jobs and I only want to fuck you." It was a weird admission of sexuality.
"I don't believe you."
"No, I walk the city seeking women to fuck. Yesterday from Rector Street to West 11th street I counted three. Ann touched her hair. She is worried about her beauty and I said, "You look great in that green leather jacket and black jeans. Like a 1965 GTO girl."
"I don't like the way I look."
"I do." I promised to buy her some clothes. "When I get some money."
She laughed.
"I won't hold my breath, besides my mother said she liked you and that I didn't have to dress nice for you."
"That's true. I like you naked. And think about me. I'll be 26 in less than a month. I'm no longer young."
"I don't care how you dress either."
"Jeans and a leather jacket."
"Classic rock for a poet."
"But no beret."
"Never."
back at the room in the SRO she checks her body.
"I'm getting fat."
"No, you're not." She's lost weight since the pregnancy scare.
"Look. I have stretch marks." She counted two under her ass.
"I couldn't see them
"I'm getting old. I'm falling apart."
"Yeah, you're right. Old at 22."
Her face showed the hurt from my comment.
"You don't want to kiss me anymore."
"I haven't had a chance." I pulled her close and she fought me away. Not for long.
LATER
This morning I woke without the alarm like a dead man rising from a grave.
I was still exhausted from getting drunk and making love to Ann and a nightmare.
"You were talking in your sleep last night," Ann said sleepily.
"I had a dream about swimming in the ocean with you. A giant fin was following you. A shark."
"How big?"
"Its fin was huge. I couldn't see the body."
"Probably had it, because JAWS 2 is coming out next month."
"You come from West Virginia. The rivers have no sharks."
Just varmints and critters and they're scary too."
LATER
At CBGBs Davin Getin said, "I think that girl has got under your skin. I don't know if that's right for you."
"I'm in love."
David laughed, "What a stupid claim. Your head goes to the movies like the movies were real. I don't know what to make of your fantasies.""
"Fuck you."
I went to the bar and got drinks from Allison.
"Don't listen to David. He's gay. He only wants to get in your pants. Ann is a good girl. Have a bourbon on me."
Ann showed up late. I was drunk. She said, "I went over to Tony's to discuss the play."
The director was good-looking and I said, "I bet."
"Bet what?" She was surprised by my jealousy, but I had also waited for her a Dojo's for dinner. She never showed up.
"Nothing." I regretted saying that. Ann is a great comic writer, although she's getting a lot of flak for plagarizing Molieire.
I steal nothing.
LATER
I see the future. Ann will become a friend. We might have sex, but nothing more. I'm sad, because I don't know what will happen to me without her.
LATER
I meet a French girl at CBGBs. Ann's watching the Mumps. She says she came to New York, because of Lance Loud. The French girl has never heard of them and I say, "The problem with foreign girls in New York is that you can't really speak with them. Fucking is the only pure form of communication, but I'm never sure what the message is."
"Sex is only sex."
"Maybe you're right. I once met a girl who only fellated me. She was saving sex for her wedding night. Sometimes she let me fuck her ass. I couldn't cum either way."
"A curse."
"Probably."
She walked away. Ann returned and asked if I've been able to cash the check.
"No, maybe I'll go to Boston. I'll hitchhike up there."
"It's supposed to rain tomorrow."
"And Boston is always colder than here." I think about visiting Andy Kornfeld, Diane, my family, Cheryl. Stephanie is pregnant. It's not mine. Ann knows none of them. She goes to the bathroom and Kim comes up to ask, "Is ann pregnant?"
"No, she had a second negative test."
"She didn't tell me and neither did you."
"I did us now."
LATER
I'm bored with the nightlife. I have no money. Everything is free. Ann doesn't freak out about my destitution and friends say with admiration, "I wish I could be an artist and live on nothing."
They are crazy.
I don't want to be this me.
LATER
Three PM is the best. Dawn hid under the east horizon. The city sleeps and the streets are only alive with wind-blown newspapers. Come the dawn the dark empire disappears with the sun. The workers rise from their bed. They go to the subway. They work all day. They come home to eat and watch TV. By 11 the city is mine again. The sun makes me sad. The nights without you end. I want to be happy too.
Penis wrapped in pussy.
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